Story and photos by Kim Doner
I have one word that’s a sure conversation starter. It’s raccoon.
YOU DON’T WANT ONE AS A PET.
Wherever I go, everyone (and this is not an exaggeration) has a story, funny or foul, about those infuriating and amazing creatures. Although often wronged in horrible ways, raccoons are certainly survivors who have adapted to humans better than most of their wild comrades have. Their biggest problem is humans adapting to raccoons.
Raccoons are ancient mammals here in North America, and their legends can be found throughout all Native American lore. Their name describes them well: ahah-koon-em, a combination of Powhatan and Algonquian meaning “one who rubs, scrubs, and scratches with his hands.” And rub, scrub, and scratch they do!
Ultrasensitive and Smart
Touch is the primary sense that raccoons use. Their incredibly sensitive paws almost make them a superpower because the outer, horny later becomes extra supple when wet, enabling ultrasensory perception of what they are handling. To top it off, for-real vibrissae (which usually present as whiskers for other animals) are just above a raccoon’s front claws. Those stiff hairs allow raccoons to identify foods even before they touch them. The information is sent to the specialized cerebral cortex, which interprets the information with more precision than any other animal does.
If that makes raccoons sound somewhat smart, that would be an understatement. Raccoons have the dexterity of a monkey, the agility of a cat, the mind of a threeyear-old child, and the relentless energy of
a kid with five bucks to spend in a candy store. When they want something, they are virtually unstoppable. There have even been studies that prove raccoons remember solving a problem for more than three years. We should sing hallelujah that raccoons don’t have opposable thumbs or humanity would be in trouble.
In fact, some areas of humanity are in trouble from raccoons. Apparently their charms were such that earlier Americans
introduced them in Europe, and they have now proved to be pests. All these years, I’ve been angry that invasive European species are rampant in the United States (starlings, sparrows, and nilgai). But having read of the havoc that raccoons have wreaked on certain German communities, I realize it has been a fair trade.
Social Life and Offspring
Yes, raccoons are a mess.
YOU DON’T WANT ONE AS A PET.
In general, raccoons are social animals. In the wild, they will winter together in small groups for warmth. Breeding starts in midwinter to early spring. Gestation is slightly more than two months, with two to five babies (properly called kits) being born. Raccoon numbers vary. They are very susceptible to parvovirus and distemper. That fact — considering that raccoons gather at night, feed, play, and happily share community latrines — can lead to a massive epidemic, wiping out most of a population.
With a high mortality rate, the birth rate climbs higher. These guys live about two years in the wild but 20 years or more in captivity. It’s not so much infections that kill them; they are hunted, poisoned, and hit by cars. If they do live long enough to be fully grown, they measure about two feet in length plus the famously ringed tail. Depending on where they are, raccoons can weigh as much as 60 pounds.
YOU DON’T WANT ONE AS A PET.
Baby raccoons are some of the cutest, most enjoyable wild babies you can encounter. They are hardy, fast-growing kids who are incredibly playful once their eyes open. Raccoons are very vocal; mothers recognize as many as seven types of calls from their kits and respond accordingly. Rehabbers learn a lot of those calls too. There is a whimper that the baby makes when unsure, a cry when hungry, and a trilling sound when stimulated and happy. They make a huff noise when they are about to pounce on something and almost a silent laugh when they wallow around on each other.
Kits are usually greedy feeders, and so orally fixated that rehabbers keep pacifiers on hand to avoid getting hickies (I’m not kidding). Once weaned, kits quickly adjust to the voracious diet that raccoons are known to have. I would make a list here, but there is a word limit to this article.
OK, maybe that voraciousness is an exaggeration, but raccoons are omnivorous. In urban settings, they are known as “trash pandas” because their favorite takeout menus are whatever they can snag from your garbage. And snag they do.
Medical Risks to Humans
Of course, once food goes into a body, it will come out. Raccoon poop is incredibly foul, and raccoons commonly are infected
with roundworms. Those ugly little things live happily in their common host, spending life cycles spreading from one raccoon to another, and they are almost impossible to destroy in egg form. So if for any reason a human ingests roundworms (toddlers in a sandbox, careless gardeners, etc.), they are passed to a “foreign host.” Instead of migrating through the intestinal tract, the parasite migrates elsewhere, sometimes into the eye or brain. Maybe … your brain. Not good!
YOU DON’T WANT A RACCOON AS A PET.
There is the rabies scare too. Here in Oklahoma, rabies in a raccoon is incredibly rare. Spotting a raccoon during the day usually means it is a hungry mother, a critter hit by a car, or a raccoon with a disease that is nonthreatening to humans. That does not mean you should get close to a raccoon for any reason. If the animal staggers or appears unafraid, call animal control. Otherwise, leave it alone.
Attic Inhabitants
Once spring has sprung, wildlife numbers grow. Raccoons make wonderful moms; they search for the perfect den and then have their little ones in as safe a place as possible. Before habitat destruction, that usually meant tree hollows, but no more. Wildlife rehabilitators get calls from spring through fall about attic inhabitants.
You won’t like what I’m about to say here, but I want to inform and not comfort. If at all possible, leave raccoons alone. I know, I know. It goes against everything
you want to do, and it keeps pest-control and nuisance-control people in business. Hear me out:
Raccoons got in because you had a hole that let them in. In the fall, find and repair the hole. Voilà! No raccoons next year! You did your ounce of prevention and will avoid a pound of cure! Yay!
If a pest controller catches a mama raccoon alone, the kits will die, their bodies will rot, and the smell will waft inside your home.
If the controller catches the mother and babies and releases them elsewhere, the mother most likely will abandon them and then starve herself because of being in unknown territory.
If you really, really, really want the raccoons gone, make it awful for them if they stay. With bright lights in the attic, human voices via PBS on a radio as close to the den as possible, and constant interruptions around the clock, Mom will move the babies. Give her a few days, make sure they have cleared, and then seal up the entry.
DO NOT KEEP A RACCOON KIT AS A PET.
Once raccoon kits are weaned, they turn into teenagers. Then adults. As in hormones, breeding, aggression, size. They climb everywhere and are snarly little snots, and they bite. If you think for one second that they don’t, please look online for all the plastic-surgery cases that raccoons have caused.
Then, of course, there is “housebreaking.” Excuse me while I laugh until I cry. You cannot potty-train a raccoon.
Only a Dream
So please, please don’t let Uncle Henry’s great story about his childhood pet raccoon convince you to follow suit. The dream of owning Rascal or Rocket or Bandit needs to stay just that — a dream. Admire raccoons; respect them. If you simply cannot bear never experiencing raccoons in your life, become a trained and licensed wildlife rehabilitator and rescue then release raccoons appropriately. Once a few seasons pass, you will discover something.
You’ll discover that you will read articles like this and nod and say aloud:
I WOULD NEVER HAVE A RACCOON AS A PET.
