by Heide Brandes | Photos courtesy of Johnny Perkins
For Johnny Perkins of Edmond, Ziggy Stardust was not just a beloved pet but
almost like his child. For five years, Perkins and the orange tabby cat were buddies and constant companions through sadness, happiness, moves, and life changes. “When I first met Ziggy Stardust, he was the only kitten at the shelter pawing at me through his cage, but not in an aggressive, mean way,” said Perkins. From that point on, it was love between the young man and the ginger cat. “I always wanted an orange tabby in my life, and I think Ziggy sensed that. He knew we needed one another.”
Last year, Perkins’ live-in girlfriend found Ziggy lying in the litter box after he had suffered an infected wound on his chest. “I can’t even relate how much that broke me, seeing him lying there. But I also knew I couldn’t let my main dude go out like that,” said Perkins. “I picked him up as gently as I could and cleaned him off. We wrapped him in a blanket and comforted him to the best of our ability.”
Although Perkins and his girlfriend took Ziggy to a veterinarian and the cat was given antibiotics, the infection was just too much.
As the cat’s life slowly ebbed away, Perkins kept whispering to his best friend how much he loved him.
“His final moment, he gave a short, mournful meow, shivered, and remained still,” said Perkins. “My only reaction was to keep repeating, ‘No, no, no, no, no, Ziggy, it’s not time to go.’ I cried a lot. I cried even now thinking about this. It’s actually coming up on the one-year anniversary of losing him, which I have marked in my calendar so I can take a day to remember him and love him.”
For many pet owners, the grief of losing a pet can be overwhelming. All people grieve differently, but pet owners sometimes face the stigma that they should not feel the same grief as they would if another human had died. But experts say grieving the loss
of a beloved companion is valid and understandable. Here’s what you need to know about grief.
Your Grief Is Valid
According to the 2021–2022 American Pet Products Association (APPA) National Pet Owners Survey, 90.5 million homes — 70 percent of U. S. households — own a pet. Although the reasons for owning pets vary, the impact they have on our daily lives can be intense, said Oklahoma City licensed professional counselor Jennifer Couch. “We’re social beings. So when we bring an animal into our home, we care for it, and it becomes dependent on us. Animals have unconditional love. Every day when you come home, they’re excited to see you, and they’re always there when you’re sad,” she said. “During the last two years especially, a lot of people have started working from home, so they are constantly interacting and being together with their pets.”
That unconditional love and dependence
also form a special kind of bond. Animals are seen as innocent and loyal, so when that furry friend passes or has to be euthanized, the pain can be overwhelming.
“People call their pets ‘fur babies.’ That’s not too far off when talking about the attachment you have. If you show pets love and kindness and tenderness, they will be there for all moments of your life,” Couch said. “I think that’s why grief is so hard when you lose pets. They’ve been a part of your life, intensely, day in and day out. I think we all grieve differently.”
For some pet owners, weeks, months, and even years can pass in a haze of mourning for an animal. Sharing that mourning might be hard because other people can’t seem to understand experiencing that level of grief for “just an animal.”
“Grief is very valid, and we can grieve really hard. But what we have to do is find that balance so we don’t become so overwhelmed with the grief to the point that it starts to interfere with our lives,”
Couch said. “We don’t want to completely shut down. You don’t want to crawl in bed and cover your head up for a week at a time. That’s when you start looking at the mental-health aspect of it.”
Dealing with the Sadness
Sheryl Logan of Enid said she grieved her pet poodle as a child to the point that she was considered depressed.
“Other pets have come and gone, and as often as possible, I have been with them when they were put down,” she said. “They have all left me sadder and lonely. I know that when my dog Missy leaves me, it will break me.”
Couch said pet owners grieve at different levels, but each level of grief is understandable. However, letting grief take over your life or affect your relationships long term is something that has to be addressed. “What I tell people when I work with them is to set aside time in our day to focus on that grief. Take 30 minutes to think about that dog or that cat or that animal that you loved so much who is no longer with you. Set aside time to remember them and allow yourself to be filled up with grieving in that moment,” Couch said. “You have to acknowledge that grief and then do the other things that you have to get done. Say ‘I have to go be social with people even though I don’t feel like it.’ Intensely grieve for that 30 minutes or so, and then make yourself go and do things you have to.”
Memorials and ceremonies also help pet owners remember and work through the grieving process. Paw prints, decorative ash urns, photos, or a memorial in the backyard are tangible ways to honor a beloved pet.
Some pet lovers instantly get a new companion to help fill that hole, but others might not ever get another pet again because the pain of losing it would be too hard. Either way of dealing with grief is valid.
“There are stages of grief that everybody goes through. Some people grieve their whole life and they grieve very heavily. But then some people hit the anger stage or the guilt stage,” Couch said. “All of us grieve differently.”
Moving Past
Experts often explain grief using the KüblerRoss model, which includes five phases of
grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When a person has to make the heartbreaking decision to have an animal euthanized, the level of pain can be even more intense. No one “chooses” to end the life of a beloved animal, but sometimes it is necessary.
“Considering euthanasia is not easy on any level, but at some point you have to say, is his suffering so bad that it’s worse to try to keep him alive? Am I keeping him there just for me? Or am I prolonging his suffering?,” said Couch.
As for Perkins, he is still in the clutches of grief for Ziggy. He wrote a song for the cat, and his family helped to build a small memorial in the backyard.
“We planted orange flowers on his grave since he was an orange cat,” Perkins said. “I took all of this very hard and still do
because I’m still grieving. I miss Ziggy constantly. Ultimately, he was very special to me.”
For Couch, that process is natural. She offered one last piece of advice about dealing with the loss of a beloved animal. “Allow yourself to have those memories and know that you had that precious time with that animal. Their lives are so much shorter than ours, but they live in love constantly,” she said. “Just remembering that you gave them wonderful lives in their short span can help ease that pain.”
How To Find Help
For help coping with the loss of a pet, contact www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/ immediate-help, www.nami.org/help or www.apa.org/topics/crisis-hotlines.
